5 seconds to never buying it
Can we talk about this incredibly irritating ice cream bar ad currently airing on TV? I’m linking the video, of course, but in case you don’t feel like clicking, or you’re using dialup and it would take you 3 years just to play the sucker, I’ll break it down for you: It starts with a voiceover describing how “Mark” can attain “Glory” in 5 seconds. All he has to do is “actually” listen to his wife. He does this by moving his eyes from the TV in front of him to her face, furrowing his brow and breaking a sweat. Literally in 5 seconds, he breaks a sweat. And when the timer rings in the 5th second, he starts dancing around with cheerleaders while his wife is still mid-sentence. Then, the cheery “What would you do” theme song that has been a part of ads for Klondike bars for as long as I can remember, and no doubt, much longer than that.
I feel like the ways this is insulting to women are so obvious I shouldn’t have to list them. It’s like a textbook from a women’s studies course of the ways in which ads like to pick on women. Women nag their husbands all the time? Check. Women should be seen and not heard? Check. Women are only capable of discussing things men don’t care about? Check. And this is not just any woman; this is his wife, who he has—presumably since there’s nothing to suggest either of them is of a cultural background where marriage is anything but a choice made by two willing individuals—chosen to be with ‘til death, or at least divorce, parts them. Is it safe then to assume that if listening to her for 5 seconds causes him to sweat, then listening to any other woman who he finds less pleasant would cause his head to literally explode in 3 seconds or less? Rough life this poor guy must have. The insult to women is so obvious, it’s hardly even worth talking about. What I find even more interesting here is the insult to men.
I mean, even a man who considers himself to be completely the opposite of intellectual—even the most stereotypically beer-chugging frat-boy stoner, picture a cross between Bluto and Jeff Spicolli—surely even that man has an attention span longer than that of a goldfish. For most of human history men were the half of society who did all the intellectual heavy lifting while women were supposed to be incapable of it. Either this ad is suggesting that “Mark” is saving his effervescent conversational skills for a worthy conversational partner, or society has shifted so violently that now men are the ones who sit idly while women speak. Or am I missing a sad point here? Is “Mark” actually brain-damaged, and I’m just putting my foot in my mouth? I mean, fuck. The poor guy is non-verbal. He’s so dim-witted he’s already clearly been duped into marrying a woman he can’t stand, and this is on top of being so out of shape that just trying to keep up with a conversation is like 30 minutes of step-cardio to the rest of the world. Maybe we’re supposed to feel so sorry for him that we rush out to buy the product just so we know he’ll be taken care of by the residuals.
Who is this ad supposed to appeal to if it is insulting to both women and men? I mean, I get it when beer companies advertise using women in bikinis because the audience they’re trying to reach is primarily young, straight males, and similarly, I understand when tampon companies make fun of men being afraid to buy tampons because they’re only interested in appealing to women. I’m not saying I like it, but on some level, it makes sense. But this just loses me completely.
I’m at a loss as to who is supposed to enjoy this ad because as a woman, I’m insulted by it in the same low-level way I’m insulted by a lot of ads, but if I were a man, I would be even more offended by this ad. Say it with me guys: “Fuck you Klondike. I can so pay attention for longer than 5 seconds. And I like yellow.”
5 seconds to never buying it
Can we talk about this incredibly irritating ice cream bar ad currently airing on TV? I’m linking the video, of course, but in case you don’t feel like clicking, or you’re using dialup and it would take you 3 years just to play the sucker, I’ll break it down for you: It starts with a voiceover describing how “Mark” can attain “Glory” in 5 seconds. All he has to do is “actually” listen to his wife. He does this by moving his eyes from the TV in front of him to her face, furrowing his brow and breaking a sweat. Literally in 5 seconds, he breaks a sweat. And when the timer rings in the 5th second, he starts dancing around with cheerleaders while his wife is still mid-sentence. Then, the cheery “What would you do” theme song that has been a part of ads for Klondike bars for as long as I can remember, and no doubt, much longer than that.
I feel like the ways this is insulting to women are so obvious I shouldn’t have to list them. It’s like a textbook from a women’s studies course of the ways in which ads like to pick on women. Women nag their husbands all the time? Check. Women should be seen and not heard? Check. Women are only capable of discussing things men don’t care about? Check. And this is not just any woman; this is his wife, who he has—presumably since there’s nothing to suggest either of them is of a cultural background where marriage is anything but a choice made by two willing individuals—chosen to be with ‘til death, or at least divorce, parts them. Is it safe then to assume that if listening to her for 5 seconds causes him to sweat, then listening to any other woman who he finds less pleasant would cause his head to literally explode in 3 seconds or less? Rough life this poor guy must have. The insult to women is so obvious, it’s hardly even worth talking about. What I find even more interesting here is the insult to men.
I mean, even a man who considers himself to be completely the opposite of intellectual—even the most stereotypically beer-chugging frat-boy stoner, picture a cross between Bluto and Jeff Spicolli—surely even that man has an attention span longer than that of a goldfish. For most of human history men were the half of society who did all the intellectual heavy lifting while women were supposed to be incapable of it. Either this ad is suggesting that “Mark” is saving his effervescent conversational skills for a worthy conversational partner, or society has shifted so violently that now men are the ones who sit idly while women speak. Or am I missing a sad point here? Is “Mark” actually brain-damaged, and I’m just putting my foot in my mouth? I mean, fuck. The poor guy is non-verbal. He’s so dim-witted he’s already clearly been duped into marrying a woman he can’t stand, and this is on top of being so out of shape that just trying to keep up with a conversation is like 30 minutes of step-cardio to the rest of the world. Maybe we’re supposed to feel so sorry for him that we rush out to buy the product just so we know he’ll be taken care of by the residuals.
Who is this ad supposed to appeal to if it is insulting to both women and men? I mean, I get it when beer companies advertise using women in bikinis because the audience they’re trying to reach is primarily young, straight males, and similarly, I understand when tampon companies make fun of men being afraid to buy tampons because they’re only interested in appealing to women. I’m not saying I like it, but on some level, it makes sense. But this just loses me completely.
I’m at a loss as to who is supposed to enjoy this ad because as a woman, I’m insulted by it in the same low-level way I’m insulted by a lot of ads, but if I were a man, I would be even more offended by this ad. Say it with me guys: “Fuck you Klondike. I can so pay attention for longer than 5 seconds. And I like yellow.”
