Next Dr. Pepper takes your lunch money and gives you noogies.

I’d feel like Peter Griffin grinding my gears if I started this again with “Can we talk about,” but seriously, can we talk about Dr. Pepper Ten?

I know I just wrote about an ad. This one’s a little different. I find the ad itself only mildly offensive. It’s relatively benign, in fact. It’s the ad for the “new” Dr. Pepper Ten. It begins with a man walking into a shed and asking “Ladies, ever wonder what men are always doing out in the shed?” Now, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, spoiler alert: the answer is drinking Diet Dr. Pepper.

Er, uh, did I say Diet Dr. Pepper? I meant Dr. Pepper Ten. Actually, no, I meant Diet Dr. Pepper.

It’s Diet Dr. Pepper, except apparently you have to open it with a drill press, ride a mechanical shark, and slide down a fireman’s pole. Wait, are they for real? I, for one, actually tended to think of mechanical animal riding as something men wanted to see women do, not watch each other do. And same goes for poles. I mean, there’s really kind of a homoerotic subtext going on that I was missing at first glance. That’s what they meant to do, isn’t it?

It ends with their brilliantly witty slogan, dreamed up by the marketing department just for this brand new drink: “It’s not for women.”

I mean, this line is so blatantly meant to be offensive that it isn’t offensive anymore. It’s trying too hard to be offensive. You can tell, it just wants women to be all “Oh my god, that’s so stupid. I could totally drink that.” Please, women, don’t do that.

No, what I find offensive is completely different. The most offensive thing is how this kind of advertising—advertising which is basically backlash to the PC world we live in, which says if you can’t be nice, be extra mean—has become the new normal.

I fucking hate that. I mean obviously not everyone has the same threshold for what’s offensive and it’s possible to misread a situation or overestimate your rapport with someone and make a joke that is perhaps a little too far, but when the other person doesn’t just go along with it, the “it’s only not funny because you’re making it not funny” response is bullshit. It’s peer pressure. It’s literally the same as the kid in junior high who said “Oh, come on man. Smoking is cool. You want everyone to think you’re cool too, right?”

Dr. Pepper isn’t the only brand doing this. The last ad I talked about really falls victim to the same kind of logic where if you’re not laughing at their hyper-offensive schlock, it’s because they don’t want to talk to you either, na na na na boo boo.

And then there’s the sad thing about this new direction for Dr. Pepper: that they’ve even had to come up with this “new” product and market it in the first place. Diet Dr. Pepper does already exist, and much like Diet Coke and Coke Zero, probably they will both continue to exist despite being the same damn product. The only difference is that only women can drink anything with the word “Diet” in its name.

This is obviously because women go on diets to be skinny. Men, on the other hand, take in fewer calories when they want to lose some pounds. Those are completely different things, according to this new distinction. I mean, who knew the connotations of “Diet” were so vast, and apparently overwhelmingly feminine? To have to create a new brand just because men are scared of the word diet is just plain sad. Women have always felt the pressures to look a particular way, and our “ideal body type” looks almost nothing like a physiologically healthy body type. Those pressures have shifted, and this is just more proof of it. There was a time when women were under tremendous pressure to be the right dress size with the right bra size, while men had significantly less pressure, but when feminism demanded equality, this wasn’t what anyone had in mind. Now men face many of the same pressures; they’re just not supposed to admit it, which is why “Diet” isn’t in the dude handbook.

Basically what I’m saying is that Dr. Pepper is using bullying tactics to sell a product that already exists under a different name because they think we’re too stupid to see through it and too smart to not laugh with them to avoid being laughed at. Sorry Dr. Pepper. I’ll be honest: I wouldn’t have bought it because I hate artificial sweetener anyway, but my mom taught be how to deal with bullies when I was about 7 and I guess this is just more practice.

1 year ago 

5 seconds to never buying it

Can we talk about this incredibly irritating ice cream bar ad currently airing on TV? I’m linking the video, of course, but in case you don’t feel like clicking, or you’re using dialup and it would take you 3 years just to play the sucker, I’ll break it down for you: It starts with a voiceover describing how “Mark” can attain “Glory” in 5 seconds. All he has to do is “actually” listen to his wife. He does this by moving his eyes from the TV in front of him to her face, furrowing his brow and breaking a sweat. Literally in 5 seconds, he breaks a sweat. And when the timer rings in the 5th second, he starts dancing around with cheerleaders while his wife is still mid-sentence. Then, the cheery “What would you do” theme song that has been a part of ads for Klondike bars for as long as I can remember, and no doubt, much longer than that.

I feel like the ways this is insulting to women are so obvious I shouldn’t have to list them. It’s like a textbook from a women’s studies course of the ways in which ads like to pick on women. Women nag their husbands all the time? Check. Women should be seen and not heard? Check. Women are only capable of discussing things men don’t care about? Check. And this is not just any woman; this is his wife, who he has—presumably since there’s nothing to suggest either of them is of a cultural background where marriage is anything but a choice made by two willing individuals—chosen to be with ‘til death, or at least divorce, parts them. Is it safe then to assume that if listening to her for 5 seconds causes him to sweat, then listening to any other woman who he finds less pleasant would cause his head to literally explode in 3 seconds or less? Rough life this poor guy must have. The insult to women is so obvious, it’s hardly even worth talking about. What I find even more interesting here is the insult to men.

I mean, even a man who considers himself to be completely the opposite of intellectual—even the most stereotypically beer-chugging frat-boy stoner, picture a cross between Bluto and Jeff Spicolli—surely even that man has an attention span longer than that of a goldfish. For most of human history men were the half of society who did all the intellectual heavy lifting while women were supposed to be incapable of it. Either this ad is suggesting that “Mark” is saving his effervescent conversational skills for a worthy conversational partner, or society has shifted so violently that now men are the ones who sit idly while women speak. Or am I missing a sad point here? Is “Mark” actually brain-damaged, and I’m just putting my foot in my mouth? I mean, fuck. The poor guy is non-verbal. He’s so dim-witted he’s already clearly been duped into marrying a woman he can’t stand, and this is on top of being so out of shape that just trying to keep up with a conversation is like 30 minutes of step-cardio to the rest of the world. Maybe we’re supposed to feel so sorry for him that we rush out to buy the product just so we know he’ll be taken care of by the residuals.

Who is this ad supposed to appeal to if it is insulting to both women and men? I mean, I get it when beer companies advertise using women in bikinis because the audience they’re trying to reach is primarily young, straight males, and similarly, I understand when tampon companies make fun of men being afraid to buy tampons because they’re only interested in appealing to women. I’m not saying I like it, but on some level, it makes sense. But this just loses me completely.

I’m at a loss as to who is supposed to enjoy this ad because as a woman, I’m insulted by it in the same low-level way I’m insulted by a lot of ads, but if I were a man, I would be even more offended by this ad. Say it with me guys: “Fuck you Klondike. I can so pay attention for longer than 5 seconds. And I like yellow.”

1 year ago 

Next Dr. Pepper takes your lunch money and gives you noogies.

I’d feel like Peter Griffin grinding my gears if I started this again with “Can we talk about,” but seriously, can we talk about Dr. Pepper Ten?

I know I just wrote about an ad. This one’s a little different. I find the ad itself only mildly offensive. It’s relatively benign, in fact. It’s the ad for the “new” Dr. Pepper Ten. It begins with a man walking into a shed and asking “Ladies, ever wonder what men are always doing out in the shed?” Now, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, spoiler alert: the answer is drinking Diet Dr. Pepper.

Er, uh, did I say Diet Dr. Pepper? I meant Dr. Pepper Ten. Actually, no, I meant Diet Dr. Pepper.

It’s Diet Dr. Pepper, except apparently you have to open it with a drill press, ride a mechanical shark, and slide down a fireman’s pole. Wait, are they for real? I, for one, actually tended to think of mechanical animal riding as something men wanted to see women do, not watch each other do. And same goes for poles. I mean, there’s really kind of a homoerotic subtext going on that I was missing at first glance. That’s what they meant to do, isn’t it?

It ends with their brilliantly witty slogan, dreamed up by the marketing department just for this brand new drink: “It’s not for women.”

I mean, this line is so blatantly meant to be offensive that it isn’t offensive anymore. It’s trying too hard to be offensive. You can tell, it just wants women to be all “Oh my god, that’s so stupid. I could totally drink that.” Please, women, don’t do that.

No, what I find offensive is completely different. The most offensive thing is how this kind of advertising—advertising which is basically backlash to the PC world we live in, which says if you can’t be nice, be extra mean—has become the new normal.

I fucking hate that. I mean obviously not everyone has the same threshold for what’s offensive and it’s possible to misread a situation or overestimate your rapport with someone and make a joke that is perhaps a little too far, but when the other person doesn’t just go along with it, the “it’s only not funny because you’re making it not funny” response is bullshit. It’s peer pressure. It’s literally the same as the kid in junior high who said “Oh, come on man. Smoking is cool. You want everyone to think you’re cool too, right?”

Dr. Pepper isn’t the only brand doing this. The last ad I talked about really falls victim to the same kind of logic where if you’re not laughing at their hyper-offensive schlock, it’s because they don’t want to talk to you either, na na na na boo boo.

And then there’s the sad thing about this new direction for Dr. Pepper: that they’ve even had to come up with this “new” product and market it in the first place. Diet Dr. Pepper does already exist, and much like Diet Coke and Coke Zero, probably they will both continue to exist despite being the same damn product. The only difference is that only women can drink anything with the word “Diet” in its name.

This is obviously because women go on diets to be skinny. Men, on the other hand, take in fewer calories when they want to lose some pounds. Those are completely different things, according to this new distinction. I mean, who knew the connotations of “Diet” were so vast, and apparently overwhelmingly feminine? To have to create a new brand just because men are scared of the word diet is just plain sad. Women have always felt the pressures to look a particular way, and our “ideal body type” looks almost nothing like a physiologically healthy body type. Those pressures have shifted, and this is just more proof of it. There was a time when women were under tremendous pressure to be the right dress size with the right bra size, while men had significantly less pressure, but when feminism demanded equality, this wasn’t what anyone had in mind. Now men face many of the same pressures; they’re just not supposed to admit it, which is why “Diet” isn’t in the dude handbook.

Basically what I’m saying is that Dr. Pepper is using bullying tactics to sell a product that already exists under a different name because they think we’re too stupid to see through it and too smart to not laugh with them to avoid being laughed at. Sorry Dr. Pepper. I’ll be honest: I wouldn’t have bought it because I hate artificial sweetener anyway, but my mom taught be how to deal with bullies when I was about 7 and I guess this is just more practice.

5 seconds to never buying it

Can we talk about this incredibly irritating ice cream bar ad currently airing on TV? I’m linking the video, of course, but in case you don’t feel like clicking, or you’re using dialup and it would take you 3 years just to play the sucker, I’ll break it down for you: It starts with a voiceover describing how “Mark” can attain “Glory” in 5 seconds. All he has to do is “actually” listen to his wife. He does this by moving his eyes from the TV in front of him to her face, furrowing his brow and breaking a sweat. Literally in 5 seconds, he breaks a sweat. And when the timer rings in the 5th second, he starts dancing around with cheerleaders while his wife is still mid-sentence. Then, the cheery “What would you do” theme song that has been a part of ads for Klondike bars for as long as I can remember, and no doubt, much longer than that.

I feel like the ways this is insulting to women are so obvious I shouldn’t have to list them. It’s like a textbook from a women’s studies course of the ways in which ads like to pick on women. Women nag their husbands all the time? Check. Women should be seen and not heard? Check. Women are only capable of discussing things men don’t care about? Check. And this is not just any woman; this is his wife, who he has—presumably since there’s nothing to suggest either of them is of a cultural background where marriage is anything but a choice made by two willing individuals—chosen to be with ‘til death, or at least divorce, parts them. Is it safe then to assume that if listening to her for 5 seconds causes him to sweat, then listening to any other woman who he finds less pleasant would cause his head to literally explode in 3 seconds or less? Rough life this poor guy must have. The insult to women is so obvious, it’s hardly even worth talking about. What I find even more interesting here is the insult to men.

I mean, even a man who considers himself to be completely the opposite of intellectual—even the most stereotypically beer-chugging frat-boy stoner, picture a cross between Bluto and Jeff Spicolli—surely even that man has an attention span longer than that of a goldfish. For most of human history men were the half of society who did all the intellectual heavy lifting while women were supposed to be incapable of it. Either this ad is suggesting that “Mark” is saving his effervescent conversational skills for a worthy conversational partner, or society has shifted so violently that now men are the ones who sit idly while women speak. Or am I missing a sad point here? Is “Mark” actually brain-damaged, and I’m just putting my foot in my mouth? I mean, fuck. The poor guy is non-verbal. He’s so dim-witted he’s already clearly been duped into marrying a woman he can’t stand, and this is on top of being so out of shape that just trying to keep up with a conversation is like 30 minutes of step-cardio to the rest of the world. Maybe we’re supposed to feel so sorry for him that we rush out to buy the product just so we know he’ll be taken care of by the residuals.

Who is this ad supposed to appeal to if it is insulting to both women and men? I mean, I get it when beer companies advertise using women in bikinis because the audience they’re trying to reach is primarily young, straight males, and similarly, I understand when tampon companies make fun of men being afraid to buy tampons because they’re only interested in appealing to women. I’m not saying I like it, but on some level, it makes sense. But this just loses me completely.

I’m at a loss as to who is supposed to enjoy this ad because as a woman, I’m insulted by it in the same low-level way I’m insulted by a lot of ads, but if I were a man, I would be even more offended by this ad. Say it with me guys: “Fuck you Klondike. I can so pay attention for longer than 5 seconds. And I like yellow.”

Next Dr. Pepper takes your lunch money and gives you noogies.
5 seconds to never buying it

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